


Painful Realizations

by Maplehelicopter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cruciatus, Gen, Hurt Remus Lupin, Hurt/Comfort, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Pain, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, being a werewolf sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 14:39:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16914759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maplehelicopter/pseuds/Maplehelicopter
Summary: For the first time, Tonks begins to understand what Remus is coping with...Or, Remus has a ridiculously high pain tolerance.





	Painful Realizations

**Author's Note:**

> “When we were all 14, we met up at James' house during summer hols. Remus, James, me, and...well, Peter was there. And we were racing brooms in the back garden. Remus was, and still probably is, a pretty dreadful flier but he was playing along for our sake. A bludger went astray and knocked him off his broom a full sixteen feet up in the air. He fell off and landed on his arm on the grass. I could tell right away that he'd broken his wrist, but if you couldn't see the funny angle of his hand, you wouldn't have known. He got up without a sound and calmly walked inside to ask Mr. Potter to please mend it. Shocked the whole of us silly.”

The established mission was simple enough: trail the target and figure out exactly what he was doing for the Death Eaters. The target, a man named Conrad Marks, was of interest thanks to a tip from Snape. The name was mentioned during a gathering at Malfoy Manor and there was speculation that he'd been providing some black market potions supplies to Voldemort directly.

For now, it was a waiting game. Tonks and Remus crouched against an alley wall in East London, angled opposite directions, watching. Within the silence charm around them, they could talk normally, but it was idle chatter. The focus was on the watch for Marks, who could emerge from the nearby building at any moment.

Tonks checked her wristwatch and sighed.

“How long does a pickup of Abraxan hoof take, really?” she asked.

“Apparently near two hours,” Remus commented wryly. She reached over her shoulder and swatted the back of his head with her palm, laughing.

“The left side of my ass is going numb,” she said, giggling.

“Wanna switch angles? Or cheeks? My right is nearly gone.”

They swapped places in an awkward dance of limbs, still watching opposite ends of the alleyway.

“It should be soon,” Remus assured her as he settled into his new lookout. “I appreciate the change of view. I can go two more hours and then I'm calling it.”

“If it's two more hours, it'll be you watching both sides while I'm in the pub down the lane, thanks,” Tonks remarked. “I almost hope this gets exciting.”

Remus shook his head.

“Don't say that. We don't want exciting. We want information.”

“But if he moves to the Malfoy estate or some other known location, we're trailing, right?” Tonks asked.

“Right. But remember the order: me in first, you stay back. We establish the safety of the location. There's no use in both of us moving in at once and getting captured. If I'm compromised, you go back to Grimmauld for help. Understood?”

“I'm not sure why you always go first in these theoretical missions,” she mused. “I'm the trained Auror here.”

“We're sacrificing the old people. Save the women and children, all that muck,” he said dryly.

“Ah, yes. It's kinder, to put the old people out of their misery first. They've seen enough of this world in 34 years. It's your time, really.”

He poked her in the ribs with his elbow.

She hissed suddenly and he thought for a moment that he'd poked her too hard. But then he saw what she was looking at: Marks.

He slowly rose to his feet along with her, their wands pointed forward.

Marks turned and moved towards them. Tonks and Remus shrunk back behind the shadow of a nearby garbage skip. The loud 'crack!' of a Disapparition rang through the air.

“Let's go,” Tonks said confidently. They hurried towards the spot where Marks had stood.

When they were there, she closed her eyes, concentrating. After a moment, she extended her hand to Remus.

“I think I have it.”

The skill to track a Disapparition was one taught in Auror training but not an entirely reliable field. Tonks was one of the better practitioners, which made her very valuable to the Order.

“How strong?” Remus asked.

“It's a good picture,” she said, still keeping her eyes closed in concentration. “Let's go.”

He took her hand and they spun on their heels, disappearing from view.

 

When they landed, it was on the outskirts of a back garden of a house somewhere on the northern outskirts of London. Crouching defensively, they looked around to establish their bearings and found they were alone.

“Does it look familiar?” Tonks whispered, gazing at the house from their spot between a crop of trees.

“I think it's Selwyn's place,” Remus replied.

There was a movement in the back window as a figured approached and looked out briefly. They shrank back further behind the trees, still watching.

“Now I know it's Selwyn's place,” Remus said as the wizard in question pulled shut the drapes on the window.

“Where's Marks?” Tonks asked.

“I imagine he's inside already,” Remus replied. “But we should confirm. And I want to know exactly what he's here to do. Fred and George gave me a few of their Extendable Ears. It looks like I should be able to get one a bit under the back door.”

“Be careful. He could have tracking spells on the perimeter of the house.”

“I haven't felt anything yet,” Remus said, extending his hands towards the house and flexing them in the air. “Feels open.”

Being a werewolf, despite the many disadvantages, made Remus much more sensitive to the physical presence of magic. He could sometimes distinguish between a wizard and a muggle just by the feeling of their energy.

“Be careful,” Tonks repeated, watching him stand to approach the house.

“I will. Remember the protocol. If they come outside, don't get involved before you send for help.”

He crept forward, bent low as he darted from tree to tree, pausing every so often to check the air for spells.

In the trees, Tonks watched as Remus reached the exterior wall of the cottage and crouched down beside the back door.

What happened next was a blur when Tonks tried to recall it later. The door had slammed open and Remus was caught in a duel with Selwyn and Marks. She was just summoning the memory to conjure a Patronus to alert the others when she heard it.

“CRUCIO!”

In the back garden, Remus Lupin's body went rigid.

Tonks watched in horror, remembering her experiences during Auror training with the spell. The first time she'd been hit with it, she'd fallen instantly to her knees with the shock of the pain and nearly passed out before the instructor stopped. The second time, she'd proudly stayed on her feet for a full three seconds before giving in.

Somehow, miraculously, Remus was still standing. Though his muscles appeared to be seizing and spasming, he leaned forward, fighting the spell. The hand that clenched his wand seemed to be slowly fighting its way up.

Selwyn jabbed his wand forward, closing in on Remus.

“To your knees, wolf,” the Death Eater roared.

There was a loud SNAP and Remus threw off the curse, stumbling forward as his muscles released.

“He said, to your knees!” Marks shouted, stomping forward. “Crucio!”

Remus was rigid again, wavering dangerously on his feet but still up.

She had to act now. There was no time for a Patronus. At any moment, the agony would make him pass out, she was sure of it.

Concentrating, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath before Apparating across the yard to appear at Remus side. With Auror-sharpened speed, she broke the hold of the curse and grabbed Remus' arm, Disapparating them to safety.

-

They reappeared in the alley around the corner from Grimmauld Place, knocking over some rubbish bins as they were thrown forward with the messy landing. Remus stumbled forward, falling to his knees and retching.

“It's alright,” Tonks said, crouching to put her hand on his back. His shoulders quivered with a last hard gag and he spat on the ground.

“Should I get someone?” she asked.

“No,” Remus said hoarsely. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and stood up. “Let's go home.”

She stared at him as he started to walk down the alley, limping slightly. How the hell was he not unconscious?

They rounded the corner towards the row of derelict London row houses. Grimmauld Place melted into view as they came to the spot between numbers 11 and 13.

Remus climbed the stone steps with a white-knuckled grip on the railing and when they were both safely inside, he slumped against a wall, pale-faced and sweaty.

“I need to sit down,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and reaching up to press a hand to his temple.

“Sirius!” Tonks hollered down the front hallway. “Help!”

“Don't,” Remus interrupted. “I-”

“You need to sit down, I know,” Tonks said, offering her shoulder for him to grip. “C'mon.”

Sirius appeared at the top of the stairs and took them down two at a time until he was on Remus' other side.

“What happened?”

“'m fine,” Remus slurred.

“He got hit with quite a Cruciatus Curse,” Tonks explained as they made their way awkwardly into the nearby sitting room and deposited Remus onto the sofa.

“How the hell did you get back here? What went wrong on the mission?” Sirius asked.

“She Apparated in and side-alonged me out of there,” Remus said, leaning back into the couch cushions with a wince. “Against protocol, if I may remind her.”

“There was no way I was sending a Patronus while watching that happen,” Tonks explained, exasperated. She turned to Sirius and added, “It was only after he'd thrown the curse off once and they'd cast it again. There was no way he was going to be able to get out of there.”

“We can talk about it more later,” Sirius said, in an uncharacteristic peace offering as he watched Remus intently. “What do you need? Potions?”

“Oh, I don't know,” Remus replied, his head reclined against the couch back and his eyes closed. “Probably just to sleep it off. Maybe some of that green gunk that Pomfrey sends.”

“Green gunk?” Tonks asked.

“Muscle relaxant cream, I think,” Sirius replied.

“I should go up to bed,” Remus said, though he made no effort to move.

“Just bunk up here,” Sirius suggested. “I'll go get that stuff and some blankets.”

Remus nodded wearily and scrubbed a hand over his face.

“Thanks, Pads.”

Sirius disappeared upstairs, leaving Tonks alone with Remus.

“I don't know how you did that,” she said after a moment. “Threw off the curse, let alone stay on your feet while it was being aimed at you.”

Remus opened his eyes briefly and looked at her with an odd expression.

“I've had practice,” he said after a moment, closing his eyes again.

Tonks pondered the statement. Practice? She'd heard terrible things about the First War. How many times had he endured the curse? She wanted to ask, but she also didn't want to bother him when he was already clearly exhausted.

“Can I get you anything?” she offered. “Tea? A glass of water?”

“No,” he said. “I'm alright.”

“Okay,” she replied. And then after a pause, she asked, “Remus?”

“Mhm?”

“I didn't mean to go against protocol. I panicked and I just wanted to get us out of there.”

“It's okay,” he said wearily. “I'm glad you did.”

Sirius reappeared with his arms full of blankets and a small glass tub of chartreuse green goo.

“Your essentials, Master Moony,” he said, passing the jar to Remus and shaking out the blankets.

Remus opened the tub and took a scoop of the goo with two fingers, spreading it up the sides of his neck and reaching across to massage his own shoulders.

“Want some help?” Tonks offered tentatively.

“No, I'm good,” he replied, reaching further under the collar of his shirt to his spine.

“There we are,” Sirius announced, patting a stack of pillows at the end of the sofa. “Heating charmed and everything.”

“It's like you've done this before,” Remus said wryly, kicking off his shoes and reclining stiffly until he was lying down with his head nestled on the pillows. Sirius spread a quilt out across him and tucked the ends around his feet.

“There we are,” he said. “Now get some rest.”

Remus grunted and pulled up the quilt to under his chin.

“And I think we're due for tea in the kitchen,” Tonks said, nodding at Sirius. “Just shout if you need anything, Remus.”

“Or send Kreacher. I'll order him to listen to you.”

“Get out of here,” Remus muttered. “You're both giving me a headache with your coddling.”

Sirius laughed and headed for the kitchen with Tonks close behind.

She settled into a chair while Sirius went about the business of making tea.

“Have you ever had one cast on you?” Tonks asked after a moment. “A Cruciatus, I mean?”

“A few times,” Sirius replied, visibly shuddering. “Twice when we were training, just so we'd know what to expect. A handful of times in battle, but not for long.”

“So then you know what it feels like?”

“I could never forget it,” Sirius said, sliding a mug of tea across the table. Tonks caught it with only a slight fumble and tucked her hands around its warmth.

“I've only felt it during training. The first time I dropped to the ground almost instantly. The second time I managed to stay up for a few seconds. But Remus...I've never seen anything like that. He must've stayed up for almost a minute.”

Sirius looked at her with a hint of sadness in his eyes before looking back down at his mug of tea.

“I hadn't either,” he said. “Most've us went down on the first go too. He was the only one that managed to stay up for the full two minute exercise.”

“But I don't understand. How?”

“When we were all 14, we met up at James' house during summer hols. Remus, James, me, and...well, Peter was there. And we were playing Quidditch in the back garden. Remus was, and still probably is, a pretty dreadful flier but he was joining in for our sake. A bludger went astray and knocked him off his broom a full sixteen feet up in the air. He fell off and landed on his arm on the grass. I could tell right away that he'd broken his wrist, but if you couldn't see the funny angle of his hand, you wouldn't have known. He got up without a sound and calmly walked inside to ask Mr. Potter to please mend it. Shocked the whole of us silly.”

“He didn't even shout?”

“No. It was like breaking your wrist in three pieces was the most mundane and painless thing imaginable.”

“What, so he's got a crazy immunity to pain?”

Sirius sighed, pushing his long strands of hair away from his face.

“No, not that. A crazy tolerance, maybe, but not an immunity. Have you ever really thought about what happens when a person transforms into a werewolf?”

Tonks felt the odd sensation of her stomach dropping with the realization of what he was saying.

“The shape of a wolf isn't anatomically close to a human at all,” Sirius continued. “It requires a fair amount of rearranging, and with that comes breaking bones and stretching muscles and reforming skin. The first time I saw it happen I wanted to vomit. So breaking a wrist really was nothing to him. It was a pain he'd felt hundreds of times by then.”

“Oh my god,” she said softly. “I hadn't really thought about that. And there I was asking him how he'd managed to fight the curse off and he said he'd had practice. I had no idea that's what he really meant. I feel like an idiot.”

“You're not an idiot,” Sirius assured her. “I honestly didn't understand the full impact of it all until I spent an entire full moon with him. Before that, I knew he'd get injured, but we usually weren't allowed to see him until Madam Pomfrey had patched him up and he'd had some sleep. We all sort of freaked out the first morning when he turned back and we realized how much pain he was enduring.”

“There's not something that can help? Some sort of potion? Does Wolfsbane make it less painful?”

“It makes it so that he doesn't injure himself but it doesn't change the physical fact that his body is undergoing the transformation. So, no, there's not really anything to be done to prevent it. Just lots of rest, heat, and all the other usual stuff the next day. Pain potions will take some of it away, but he'd have to be dosed so high after all these years that it isn't really worth it.”

“Merlin,” Tonks said with a heavy sigh.

“I know,” Sirius said. He reached across the table and put his hand on top of hers. “He likes you, coz. You're a good person for him to be around, especially since I'm no bouquet of cheer these days.”

“You're just fine,” Tonks countered.

“He's been through some shit,” he said. “I don't know if there's a huge difference between those years I was in Azkaban and whatever he was doing for all that time, wandering the continent and then living in that dreadful excuse for a cottage in Yorkshire.”

“You've both been through some shit,” she said sympathetically. “And we'll win this and clear your name, and we'll all live happily ever after.”

“That's the spirit,” Sirius replied, squeezing her hand and smiling, though the expression didn't fully reach his eyes. “Now, don't worry too much about poor Moony. He hates people fussing and with some rest he'll be back in the field with you in no time.”

“Thanks, Sirius,” she said. “I won't fuss. I wouldn't even know how to bring up the werewolf thing without making an awkward mess.”

“It's not the most approachable of subjects for small talk,” he concurred.

Tonks drained the last of her mug of tea and stood up.

“I'm just about as tired from the day. I think I'll pop up and take a shower. Do you mind if I crash here tonight?”

“Pick any room you like,” Sirius said. “Rest well.”

She sent her empty mug floating to the sink with a cleaning charm on it and trudged down the hall towards the front stairs. The door to the sitting room was open as she passed and she paused to look in.

Remus was sound asleep on the sofa, his face looking considerably younger and calmer in the stillness of a much-needed nap, though there was a small furrow between his brows. At some point since they'd left he'd managed to kick the quilt partially off his feet. Creeping carefully into the room with more care for her coordination than she usually possessed, Tonks reached the sofa and gently guided the quilt back up and over his feet.

He exhaled a deep sigh in his sleep and rolled over, settling further into the stack of pillows.

She felt her heart pound in her chest watching him at rest. With every day it seemed she learned something new about him and he was rapidly becoming one of her favourite new people. Careful to stay quiet, she headed back out of the room and narrowly avoided toppling a floor lamp on her way.

Upstairs, she stepped into the steam of the shower to wash away the day while her thoughts remained on the sleeping man downstairs and the things she was yet to discover about him.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are massively appreciated! <3 Thanks for reading!


End file.
